BC PIRES
YESTERDAY was was my birthday and all I've got to show for myself after six decades of this cosmic joke called life, is the same receding hairline, expanding waistline, infrequent byline and recurring firetrucking punch line.
Ten times before today, in 'birthday' columns, I've repeated the same hairline/waistline/byline joke I first made when I was 30 with a Bullet.
Here are 64 pieces of wisdom, one from each year I've defied Death and the odds. The first and last ones are always the same (and some in-between, if either timeless or still timely).
1. Never fart in an elevator. 2. George Floyd will be remembered longer and better than Donald 'Fat Abu Bakr' Trump. 3. People who suffer together have stronger connections than content people (Bob Dylan). 4. People don't do what they believe in, they do what's most convenient, then repent (Ditto). 5. Life is a tragedy in close-up but a comedy in long shot (Charlie Chaplin).
6. Trust in Allah, but tie your camel (Arab proverb). 7. If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament (Florynce Kennedy, repeated by Gloria Steinem). 8. You would be heartless not to regret the disintegration of the Soviet Union; but brainless to try to restore it (Putin). 9. Discernment as a human quality has disappeared; luckily, no one can tell.
10. Nothing matters very much and very few things matter at all (AJ Balfour).
11. Marry your best friend (if she/he's hot). 12. The early bird catches the worm, but the second rat gets the cheese. 13. I can resist anything but temptation (Oscar Wilde). 14. Never vote for a Trinidad political party with three initials in its name. 15. Check it yourself.
16. How odd/of God/to choose/the Jews (WN Ewer). 17. But not so odd/As those who choose/A Jewish God/ But spurn the Jews (Cecil Browne). 18. The only cure for hate is love. 19. No such thing as a free lunch.
20. Stilettos & a G-string compensate for most shortcomings.
21. Never laugh with Crix in your mouth. 22. A country that can't feed itself is fooling itself if it calls itself independent (Joe Pires Snr; aka 'Dad'). 23. Every stale hops have its rancid cheese. 24. Trinidad government is an oxymoron. 25. Laugh and Cry live in the same house.
26. If voting made a difference, they wouldn't let us do it. 27. If at first you don't succeed, give up and watch Netflix. 28. Your spouse will turn into her mother/his father. 29. The rich get richer, the poor get children. 30. If the kiss is good, the sex will be great.
31. Religious instruction is child abuse (Denis Solomon). 32. Never touch a tissue near any man's computer. 33. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light (Stanley Kubrick). 34. It doesn't matter what anyone says before they say, 'But…' 35. Time flies but time with your girlfriend's parents creeps.
36. Wherever you go, there you are. 37. Beauty fades; ugly is forever. 38. The holier the book, the greater the lies in it. 39. To win a war is as disastrous as to lose one (Agatha Christie).
40. If Adolf Hitle
