Dr Asha Pemberton

teenhealth.tt@gmail.com

Resilience is defined as the ability to bounce back from challenges and ideally emerge even better than we were before. Although the natural tendency of parenting is to protect tweens and teens from situations of discomfort, it is important to recognise the value of allowing them to experience the difficult aspects of life. This involves choosing words which move from complete problem solving and directives to empowering young people to think through situations, express themselves and then take action.

As parents the words you use with your young people are powerful. They convey what you think about your children and also create the framework for how they view themselves. When teenagers are constantly faced with words that imply that they are vulnerable, weak, incapable or insecure, they inadvertently believe them and pattern their behaviours in those ways. If parenting approaches convey that they must rely on you to figure things out for them, they may consider themselves unable to develop resilience building capacities. Conversely, when young people hear words that suggest their fortitude and reasoning skills, in turn they demonstrate these capacities.

Choosing words is an act that parents do daily, but yet time must be taken to make wise decisions. Even the simple statement 'Let me help you with that,' can communicate 'You cannot do that by yourself.' This contrasts to 'Try it and let me know what happens'; which empowers the ability to make an effort and keeps the door open for dialogue thereafter. Much of our language is generated by our culture, which often includes negative words and humour. We must be mindful as to the sensitivities of young people who will generally take name-calling, even in jest as a personal insult.

In times of distress or challenges, parents often want to dive in with unsolicited solutions or next steps. Often times, young people simply want to be listened to. Be aware of these moments and create the space within which young people can propose their own solutions and ideas. There must be the latitude to devise their own strategies.

Finally, in times of frustration and duress it is tempting and also relieving for parents to go on, and on explaining or lecturing to young people. While adults often admit that these moments help them to feel better, for young people the process is stressful and tiring. In addition, young people often do not even understand what is being said. When they get lost, and also additionally frustrated the scene is set for further conflict and strife.

Overall, communication skills form the backbone of parent-teen interactions. Through the twists and turns of life, parents are best advised to find supports for themselves to be able to talk through their emotions, fears and concerns. By finding their own problem solving and support mechanisms, parents are better placed to give young people the space to devise their own strategies. In addition, from that place of calm and reason, there is likely to be less