Here I run the risk of putting two and two together and coming up with 42. But the truth is, the 'thing that is wrong with me' has, in spite of years of therapy and treatment and reading and recognition, always - always - left me feeling a bit guilty.
No one is beating me with sticks. I'm not being persecuted by anyone but myself. I have food and a home and the love of animals and shoes that don't hurt.
I usually feel like I don't deserve the good that I have. I also feel awful when none of it seems to matter. There is where my faulty math comes in. Like many people with depression or other mental ills, I often feel guilty about my condition.
Guilt and shame are often a power couple. When I am at my lowest, I feel waves and waves of shame. And for years I've wondered why. Now, I wonder if that's the dynamic at work here - does my guilt about my dodgy mental health sometimes double itself and create another shame-half?
Being something of a stuck record (it's good to know who and what you are), this column does make a great carry-on about getting rid of the stigma of mental illness, and, yes, if you are someone who likes to minimise the trauma of it, you will be beaten like a Good Friday bobolee. But I don't think enough has been said about how that stigma and those put-downs affect the person with the problems.
If you think of nothing else, remember this: when you make light of or disregard a person's mental troubles, you're giving them one more reason not to seek help.
We already have innumerable problems getting help without someone suggesting we don't need it. If someone is suicidal, delusional, or in any way a threat to themselves or others, they should be given every chance to get help. If your words stood in the way, consider living with the consequences.
Yes, you read it right the first time.
Procrastination or not wanting to do things at all, in other words, displaying a profound loss of will-to-do, is one of the most common signs of depression and other problems. We're not lazy. We are not shirking. We quite simply cannot. As that perfect phrase goes, 'We are unable to can.'
But people functioning in a not mentally-compromised world have real trouble grasping this. If you know someone who just had surgery and is given bed-rest instructions, you'd be strapping them down to stay still and feeding them peeled grapes.
Most mental-health patients don't get that. Instead we are left to feel guilty about all that we've failed to do.
It's not just laundry, homework, our jobs, and visiting sick relatives we miss out on. We also miss the parties, hikes, trivia night at a friend's house.
Being sad because someone hurt your feelings or anxious because of your annual work evaluation is not the same as being depressed or having an anxiety disorder.
But when you hold that up to your friend who does have a clinical condition, you trivialise their experience.
I don't even know if it's trivialising because it's not eve
