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This article touches on sensitive topics which can trigger negative thoughts or memories for some readers. If you or someone you know is in need of assistance, contact Lifeline (24hr hotline) 800-5588, 231-2824, 220-3636
When dealing with grief, especially in the case of a traumatic event, Clinical Traumatologist Hanif Benjamin says there are distinct differences between how children and adolescents process and interpret death as opposed to adults.
In a phone interview with Newsday on Friday, Benjamin, certified in child trauma, said when young people have experienced a traumatic death, it is important for the adults in the family to remember to allow the child to express their feelings.
“Let them feel how they feel,” he said. “It is ok (and) understandable that they feel the way they are feeling, including feeling overwhelmed.”
Benjamin said children and adolescents grieve differently and there are two main reasons why: their emotional capacity to process the situation and their understanding of the concept of death and dying.
“While an adult may have different coping mechanisms to treat with death and dying, children may not have those emotions.”
He said the age of the child also needs to be considered.
“Death is a magical thing. It is fantasised in the premise that whoever died will come back.”
Benjamin also said online video games have shaped and solidified this concept as many of the characters in games have the ability to come back to life.
“With children, you have to be concerned with what is real and what is perceived. Adolescents, however, don’t want to talk about it at all. They may just want to be quiet, or in their own world.”
He said young children can become very confused and take their cues from the adults in their environment. They may, for instance, piggyback on the emotions of these adults.
He said older children have more of a behavioural response to trauma. This can present as aggression and, depending on the circumstance, becoming withdrawn.
He also said death is still very taboo for children. “We still do not engage in family conversations about death.”
Don’t tell them how to feel
He said it is important for the family to respect the grieving process and understand that everyone, even children and adolescents, grieve differently.
“Respect how the child, and even the adult, grieve and don’t put perimeters or timelines on how they grieve, because no two people grieve the same way.”
Benjamin said people typically don’t know what to say in a tragedy which leads to inappropriate things being said.
“that’s a human flaw. Some say weird things because they feel like they have to say something. You don’t have to ask every 30 seconds if they are alright.
"You don’t have to say ‘God knows best,’ or ‘everything is going to be ok.’ You want to avoid the kind of statements that angers people. You don’t have to lay hands on them every day and pray.
"You don’t want to create that idea that something is wrong with them. They are going through grief and
