Dr Radica Mahase

“When my son was born, I was the happiest man alive. I had big dreams and hope and expectations for my child. He would play football just like me, he will learn music and we would go on hikes. I was excited and happy to have a mini-me to teach, to lime with, to do fun things with. Ten years after his autism diagnosis and I had to change my expectations.

"The hopes and dreams are still there and on evenings we still go try to kick some ball, most of the time he doesn’t even bother with the ball and just run all over the field. I had to rethink all the things I had planned for him and find things that he is interested in. Initially it was tough, I didn’t know how to let go but now I understand that just loving my child and always giving him opportunities is all I need to do as a parent.”

Michael is just one of many parents who had high expectations of their children and had to readjust expectations when their children are diagnosed with developmental disabilities such as autism. Many parents claim the diagnosis crushed their dreams for their children. In most cases, these dreams are of their children becoming high achievers and given the nature of our society this is usually in academics or sports, among others.

In the case of special needs, parents feel conflicted. Some parents underplay their child’s autism/special needs diagnosis and end up in denial for a while. They believe that the child will grow out of it or tell themselves that it’s not really bad and the child doesn’t really have a problem. Some tend to compare their child to others, and we often hear things like “my son has autism but it’s not bad as some of the children in his class” or “this other child has it real bad but my child does manage okay.”

There are also the parents who want to see their child as gifted, as a savant. If the child is much more advanced in one area, they use this to comfort themselves and to "offset" the slower development on other areas. We hear things like, “My son is really good with maths, even though he doesn’t talk.” They may push their children to do multiple activities even when the child is overwhelmed and struggling.

[caption id="attachment_1026919" align="alignnone" width="768"] What are my expectations for my child? Photo courtesy Alex Singh -[/caption]

On the other end, there are also those parents who don’t expect their children to accomplish anything much, especially if they have been diagnosed with severe autism. Too many parents become too protective of their children, many times not allowing them to experience new things. Some parents give in to everything the child wants or are sometimes afraid to push the child to do more than he/she is capable of. Many are afraid that their child will have meltdowns. In these cases, parents’ behaviour can limit their child’s development.

In some cases, parents’ expectations of their children are shaped by their religious beliefs. Some try to justify the child’s special needs – “God will fix my child” or “It’s just his/her karma” and in some