Dr Asha Pemberton
Teenhealth.tt@gmail.com
For a tween or teen, being excluded is one of the absolutely worst feelings imaginable. Most young people agree that this is the one thing they fear the most. From a developmental perspective, this makes perfect sense, when we consider that peer relationships and connecting to a friend group is a pivotal aspect of adolescent development. From the perspective of the parent, looking at your heartbroken, rejected and betrayed child can lead to strong emotional reactions. Parents feel the pain as much as their teens do. Nevertheless, it should be recognised that this is an extremely common occurrence during adolescence and most if not everyone, will experience it at some point. Following are some strategies to assist teens through the agony.
Listen with empathy
The first step in supporting teens through these difficult times is providing the time, space and patience to allow them to express their feelings honestly and openly - without interruption, interjection or adding your analysis. This can be difficult for parents who are also hurt, as it is tempting to want to contribute your two cents as to why this or that could have happened to help them make sense of it. The reality is, parents are usually far removed from the nuances of teen relationships and many times their logical explanations are simply incorrect.
Instead, allow your young person to share their details as they understand them, and importantly how they feel. Allow them to take ownership of feeling sad, or angry or hurt, rather than being ashamed of their emotional response. This is an important step toward overall emotional wellbeing. Sad situations, will likely make them sad. It is how they then cope and manage the sadness that makes the overall difference in their wellbeing.
Practise peace
Through the disappointment and hurt, it is natural for teens to develop feelings of anger and retaliation. It is not constructive for parents to also become angry, fuel range or approach the offending friends or parents! Your teen already feels badly enough. The last thing they need is for an entire scene of drama to be created with them at the centre. These situations only add to rejection as they often lead to even more social exclusion. Instead, encourage your teen (and yourself) to calmly and mindfully accept the reality. The choices of others are not in our direct control. Teaching teens peaceful strategies to move forward, communicate with their friends or even choose a different path are certainly more recommended.
Choose your words wisely
As a protective parent, often the first instinct that emerges is to say, 'they're just jealous'. These words temporarily make everyone feel better because they provide a boost to the self-esteem. While there may be cases when your teen's friends are, in fact, jealous, this certainly will not always be true. Beyond that, using jealousy as an excuse prevents young people (and parents) from assessing situations from a wider perspective and considering
