Dr Asha Pemberton
teenhealth.tt@gmail.com
Rejection comes in many forms during the teen years. Adolescents experience rejections from friends, online and in person, through missed opportunities in school and activities and simply when things do not go the way that they would have expected. They then can feel huge and life-altering pain in the moment. In addition, young people also experience a wide variety of micro-rejections on any given day. These include simply feeling left out, not receiving the praise or recognition they desire, or simple loneliness.
No matter the size of the rejection, one truth stays the same: rejection hurts. Adults have the ability to assess situations and determine how significant they really are in the big picture. Teenagers, however, due to their stage of development, may display more extreme reactions to rejection including distorted thinking and very real emotional pain.
While some teens go to great lengths to avoid rejection by way of playing it safe, avoiding social situations, trying new thinking or making friends, it is simply not possible to completely separate oneself from the experience. Instead young people need to be taught how to cope.
Coping with rejection involves working through two very important components: What you feel, and what you think. These two things often exist in a cyclical relationship in that your feelings can affect your thoughts, and your thoughts can, in turn, affect your feelings. Ignoring either one (or both) will not reduce the sting of rejection but separating them and targeting each one will help reduce negative emotional responses to rejection.
Acknowledge it
While dismissing or downplaying the rejection might feel right to a parent on a mission to protect a teen from emotional pain, it can actually intensify the pain. Rejection feels isolating and lousy, and teens already know this. What they need is empathy, understanding, and someone who will listen. No one appreciates being told that 'it is not a big deal' or 'that does not really matter.' Their pain and distress matters and should be acknowledged.
Remain objective
Demonstrating calm and being mindful are always useful. Young people can sense your emotional states and when parents themselves are angry, openly disappointed or dismissive, young people feed off of those negative emotions. This is the time to convey empathy and understanding. Admitting that you do not know exactly how your teen is feeling right this very moment is helpful. In addition, sharing your own past experiences and sharing your painful memories of rejection as a teen can bridge the gap between you and your teen.
Examine their thoughts
When teens are stuck in a negative thought cycle, they can develop negative core beliefs. This can lead to decreased self-esteem and future risk aversion. In essence, when teens feel like they cannot succeed, or will never be valued they avoid trying. Explain to your teen that we all have a negative inner critic that drives our thoughts at times. The
