BC PIRES
WHEN the world gets too heavy, like when another American who should have free mental healthcare murders children in a primary school, I try to cheer myself up by printing a few letters from the editor, an idea stolen from the 70s & 80s American National Lampoon satirical magazine. As always, I certify these letters are 100 per cent authentic because I made them up myself.
Sir
Damned Manchester City! Two-nil down with only 14 minutes to play, and us 3-1 up and on fire! They snatched the dream of the first-ever quadruple out of our hands, just as we were getting ready to lift the Premiership trophy! On the plus side, though, it will make it much easier to come to terms with the upcoming cut-arse from Real Madrid over the weekend.
Liverpool Fans Kopping Out
Just the Double Then
Thank You, Chelsea
Sir
Did you ever having really bad ideas after you drinks bottles or two of vodka but convince yourself was really good idea and you must do it at once?
Vladimir Still Putting On Show of Strengths
Ukrainian Cut-arse
Trapped in Bad Dreams and Can't Wakes Up
Sir
I am certain the police investigations will show there was nothing illegal in my actions because I have already paid off the police doing the investigating.
Could Be Anyone
In Any Political Party, Anytime, Anywhere
But Is Trinidad
Sir
Anyone complaining about our new hotel not being appropriately designed for Trinidad and Tobago should remember we have a rooftop pool. When we have no water, it will be easy to siphon water from the pool direct to guests' toilets in their rooms. And we can rely on gravity when we have no electricity. If that isn't designing for TT, nothing is!
A Spin Surgeon
Retooling Discomforting Complaints
One Good Stroke Makes a Minus into a Plus
Sir
This morning I was a social outcast filled with self-loathing and terrified of everyone and everything. At lunchtime, I invented my own conspiracy theory by combining the vilest ones I found on the Dark Net and packing it with local versions of a cabal of paedophiles (although I don't know what the word 'cabal' means). I put it on social media at midday and, by one o' clock, after Trinis unquestioningly forwarded it over-and-over, look, I am a senior reporter for a national news centre that's really a private Facebook group. Just wait until I give Trinidadians the scoop about what it is trans-bara-men have been putting in doubles!
Ann Nidiot
Copying Q-A-Nonsense
In the Hope of Feeling Better About Myself
Sir
Forget all my hype about saving humanity and protecting freedom of speech. Give me enough time and I'll prove I'm just another mega-rich a-hole.
Elon Mush-for-Brains
Richer Than Anyone
Except in Compassion
Sir
The reason we need every white child to be born, and not unborn, in America is because we need them to grow up and buy guns. We need that NRA money.
Republicans
Small Government
And Penises
Sir
It's another lame-stream media lie to say the candidate I end
